Slain by the Spirit!

A little old lady came in by ambulance after falling at church and hitting her head. She said she had her hands up in the air and was praying, and the spirit took her and she fell backward, lacerating her scalp.

She said this happened a lot to her (and other people) at her church--they would be "slain by the spirit." The PA said he understood, the same thing would happen when his wife's family went to church.

"Yes," the lady said, "I love to go visit Jesus!"

I said I didn't think I would enjoy visiting Jesus if every time I came into his house he knocked me down.

HBO, Are You Listening?

I have an idea for a TV show! A drama about a wisecracking ER night nurse who is also a vampire! She takes extra vials of blood to save and drink later, and she preys on the drug-seekers and methadonians because she is addicted to the narcotics in their blood! She can get an IV in ANYONE simply by smelling for a vein.

Sort of a cross between Nurse Jackie and True Blood, no?

We'll call it "Nurseferatu!"

*rim shot*

(ok, let's give credit where it's due: I was drawing blood from an elderly gent, and when he commented about the number of tubes I was taking. I made my standard comment that I'm really a vampire, and that I always drink the extra blood so it doesn't go to waste. His friend at the bedside looked at me and said, "oh! You're Nurseferatu!" So, no, I didn't come up with it--but it was too funny to not post!)

What NOT to Say in the ER

"Can you help my father? He's bleeding out" when what he's "bleeding out" of is the band-aid on his hand covering the minor laceration he got while trying to fix a broken hairdryer with a butter knife.

It's a good day in the ER

When I get to use my GGRN Special Bum Foot Cleaner and Deodorizer! In a plastic bag, mix one part shampoo, one part mouthwash, add an amp of bicarb, add warm water. Place patient's disgusting, crusty, stinky foot in bag and tape bag shut around ankle. Repeat with other foot. Marinate for a few minutes, agitate around feet, remove bag, and rinse!

Voila, CLEAN BUM FEET!

Sometimes I get those too...

Drunken bums are fun. Yay.

Best statement of the night from an inebriated man who was brought in by EMS:

Me: Sir, why are you here tonight?

Drunk: I dunno. I just wanted some chicken and fries and I ended up here. Do you have any chicken and fries?

Me: No, sir, I don't.

Drunk: Well, fuck you then.

Because we were busy, he ended up in a stretcher in the hallway right near me. He proceeded to have a very animated conversation with himself, and then sing at the top of his lungs. The song consisted of gibberish with the words "America," "real," and "sexy" thrown in for good measure. His singing style was actually reminiscent of Joe Cocker singing "You Are So Beautiful," especially the part where he sings "to meeeeeeeeeeeee" way up high and his voice cracks.

He was really amusing--at least until he shit his pants. Then he was just smelly.

Hey, nurse techs!

Or "patient care associates" or nurses' aides or whatever your union insists you be called!

Listen up: you are working on my license, taking care of my patients, that I am responsible for! You're called "ancillary staff" for a reason--and that reason is to buck the fuck up and do what I say to do. It's in your job description. You take direction from nurses. Your job exists to help me. So please note that it doesn't help me when:

1) You fake vital signs. Seriously, it's just gonna piss me off that I have to check them again. I know for a fact that that pale, diaphoretic guy does not have a BP of 150/80 and a pulse of 87. Just do the damn vitals.

2) You disappear. I know your union gets you a million breaks. Your 15-minute break. Your hour break. Your other 15-minute break. Whatever. When you're not on break, I need to see you. Checking in with me every hour or so to suck up and then disappearing to go text and smoke and chat with your buddies on the back steps does not count as work.

3) You give me lip. When I tell you I need an EKG, the correct answer is, "I'll get right on it." Not "I'm on my break," not "can't you find someone else," not "In a minute."

4) You make up your own work hours. You leave your job at 12 am, same as me. If I ask you to transport a patient to sonogram at 11:30 pm, the correct answer is, "sure!" Not "I'm not going if she needs a chaperone because I finish at 12 and even if you send my replacement when she gets here right at 12, I'll end up getting out late." Listen, lazy. You don't work in a bank, where you get to stop working and close the doors at three pm. I don't get to leave if my relief doesn't show up. Suck it up and transport the patient. And don't bitch at me because I asked you to go to sono in front of the nurse manager, and she heard your little tirade and now you look like the lazy asshole you are. You should have shut your trap and done the transport.

5) You complain about scrubbing ass. It's your job. Sometimes I can help you. Sometimes I can't, and you'll have to ask one of your colleagues to help you. Yes, I can scrub ass. But I also can start IVs and assess patients and administer medications and insert Foleys and monitor patients and write notes and talk to the doctor about the patient's care, and you can't, because it isn't in your scope of practice. Your scope of practice is to do what I ask you to do, and I'm asking you to scrub some shit off the ass of this patient because I'm fucking swamped taking care of all these other patients. So scrub it, and don't give me attitude about it. If you didn't want to scrub butts, you're in the wrong business.

6) you can't do your job anymore. I know you're super old. So retire already. If I need help moving a patient, you're not really useful.


Yea, there are some wonderful techs out there-- the kind that you don't have to ask anything of, who love their jobs and also manage to anticipate every need you might have. But they get used up and burned out because of the assholes they're outnumbered by.

Ugh.