500 lb frequent flyer. In with shortness of breath, chest pain, headache (probably from popping nitro like jellybeans). Her EKG was normal. She stated that she felt the pain while out shopping. Bought a "sexy nightgown" for $29--on sale from $49! ("You know it's a sexy nightgown when it costed fifty dollars!" says she.) Her breasts were bigger than my head. She offered me some candy and insisted on showing me her nightgown. She offered to get into it, since none of our gowns fit her, but said she was worried about "all the men coming around to get a look" at her in her lingerie. Ooof. Ya gotta admire someone with a positive body image.
Of course, she was a tremendously hard stick. I tried three or four times, got some blood, but no dice on the IV. We dragged out the ultrasound. No deal. Finally, one of the attendings got the IV in using a combo of the ultrasound PLUS an arterial line catheter. It was the only thing long enough to get through all the fat and down to an actual vein.
I sat down with her to go over her huge list of allergies: Latex, toradol, percocet, tylenol, demerol, aspirin . . . and gravy.
"What happens when you have gravy?" I ask.
"It makes me fat."
You can't make this stuff up.